Thursday, November 23, 2017 - 5 Rabi' al-Awwal 1439

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I treated my wife badly and she wants a divorce, how can I regain her trust?

I am newly married (katb kitab) to a beautiful girl and I did a lot of bad things to her due to work pressure and marriage loads along with my father’s severe sickness. One time I saw her pictures with another guy before we even knew each other and of course I became very angry and to her my reaction wasn’t acceptable at all and her father said we have to get a divorce. We managed to pass through this unfortunate event and two months later she accidently figured out that I am chatting with girls secretly and thus insists on getting a divorce. But it was just shaytan whims nothing more I really love her and I can’t be without her. How can I make her trust me again?

Answer

 

We understand your desire to regain the love, trust, and respect of your wife. But understand that there is no quick remedy or a magic potion that you can take to make everything perfect. Trust is earned and it is a process through which each partner has to constantly prove his/her loyalty, love, appreciation, and respect for the other partner.

 

In your letter you admit that you have treated your wife badly due to pressure from your career, the typical woes of marriage, and your father’s illness. You comfort yourself believing that these were legitimate excuses for treating your wife badly. People’s moral compass, ethical behavior, and manners are tested in times of hardships. In those difficult times we are challenged to see who we really are and what we are made of. Our real worth, principles and ethics are defined by times of pain, sadness, hardship, and challenges. Therefore the reasons you have mentioned are no excuse for treating your wife badly or for devaluing her worth.

 

Your wife according to your letter has given you multiple opportunities to prove your love, loyalty, and respect for her but you continued to fail her, and thus it should not come as surprise if she has asked for a divorce. You mentioned that you conducted your marriage contract (katb kitab) but did not have a wedding yet. So your bride is not blameworthy to seek separation from you because if you have begun treating her badly without having started your life with her, what kind of future should she expect from you?

 

Also, you mentioned that you saw pictures of her with men before you knew her, because of this you went into a rage. Your outrageous behavior is not excused, the pictures you saw of her with other men were not lude or problematic and there is no prohibition for women to sit with men if it is in a decent setting. Also these pictures were taken before she knew you, and thus you have no right to hold her accountable for a past that you were not part of. This unjustified jealousy leaves an awful impression for your new wife, she may fear that you might turn her life into a living hell, as you breathe down her shoulder waiting for the slightest wrong move to accuse her.

 

Not only did you give yourself the right to be in an unjustified rage of jealousy towards your wife, but you also gave yourself permission to secretly talk to other women intimately, and when your wife asked for a divorce upon finding out, you gave yourself the excuse of satanic whims which led you to commit such actions. Your whole letter is full of unjustified excuses and you have done a great injustice towards your wife. You went against the merciful teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) who said, “the best among you are those who are best towards their wives.” Also the Prophet taught us how to be gentle with women, to treat them kindly, delicately, and not to put hardship on them. God the Almighty loves gentleness, leniency, and detests harshness and vulgar attitudes. Marriage is a sacred sanctuary that is built on love, trust, loyalty and respect. Each partner should strive for the comfort of the other party, and thus putting pressure on your wife and treating her with utter disrespect along with insulting her through having intimate conversations with other women is unacceptable and goes against the merciful teachings of Islam.

 

Therefore before seeking ways to make it up with your wife, you need to contemplate your wrongdoings. You need to ask yourself if you are able to treat your wife with the kindness, respect, and loyalty she deserves. If you know that you can’t be the husband that she wishes for, then it would be noble of you to let her go and to repent for your awful treatment of her and to let her have a happy life with a man who knows how to treat a woman.

 

If you are determined to make things right with your wife, and you feel that you have a good opportunity to turn things around, then you can start earning her trust once again, slowly. In marriage, it is vital for the wife to feel secure in terms of her husband’s loyalty, love, and care. It is equally important for her to feel that she his first priority, and that she is not solely an option available during his spare time. You need to exert effort to calm her fears of your unjustified jealousy, and to start giving her the trust she deserves and the treatment of a queen because that is how the wife should be treated in Islam. God the Almighty has described the marital relationship to be full of mercy, kindness, serenity, and love. These values are the bedrock for the establishment of a happy marriage and if you are keen to keep this marriage intact you should start embracing these values. Love is not a word uttered; it is a constant giving and involves continuous efforts of pleasing the beloved in every way possible. We pray that you and your wife have a happy, long lasting marriage full of mercy, love and kindness.

 

 

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