Friday, November 16, 2018 - 8 Rabi' al-Awwal 1440

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I had sex with my fiancé and I am losing my faith what to do?

I had sex with my fiancé and I am losing my faith what to do?


Thank you for contacting us and for entrusting us with your question. Your question has many sub-items and we should start out with the origin of the problem which is the fact of committing adultery with your fiancé. This kind of sin requires sincere repentance and a remorseful heart with a determining intention not to fall prey in such heinous act once again. Allah the Almighty is all Merciful and He the Most High is the one who patted on the shoulder of His creation who are prone to error by their human nature so He said in the Quran, “Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."(39:53). Therefore do not burden yourself with more than you can bear. Your remorseful words express an aching heart which yearns for healing from sin. Thus you should go to the All-Healing (Allah the Almighty) who is able to purify your heart and heal your wounds. Allah the Almighty is closer to us than our jugular veins and He is right there by your side helping, guiding and caring. Draw close to Allah through constant praying, prostration and seek His forgiveness. Also make abuandant peace and blessings upon Prophet Muhammad for mercy to descend upon your heart. It is equally important to find your way out of despair because whoever knows Allah should never feel despair because Allah is the one who forgives all sins as he is the Most Forgiving. Allah the Almighty said, “And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.” 2:187 in another verse Allah the Almighty said, “Is He [not best] who responds to the desperate one when he calls upon Him and removes evil ….” 27:62

Repentance grants you a new start and allows you to turn a new fresh leaf untouched by sins. It helps you to steer the course of your life to the path of piety and righteousness and it opens the gates of divine love for you to dwell in it. Seek Allah because He for sure seeks you in return.

That being said there are practical ways you should seek to start a new stage in life, first of which is that we advise you to cut off ties with your fiancé because if he is unwilling to change his original plans of getting married to you after a year and half to fix the complicated situation which you both created, then probably he does not take his responsibilities seriously and you need to walk away from him and start a new life with someone who knows the real meaning of manhood. As for the fact that you lost your virginity, the original state in these matters in Islam is covering up the sin and not to defame yourself in front of others by narrating your sinful act. For this reason, you are advised to perform a hymen restoration surgery through which you regain your virginity and able to resume your life in piety and modesty.

As for the fact of not being able to wear hijab, we understand that your fears might be legitimate as changing one's wardrobe and life style could become a little challenging. But from human experience along history, we realize that people change their attitudes towards people and their outlook towards life when a new inner belief shines through their heart. When one realizes that there is a bigger purpose in life than following the latest trend or wearing the next top notch brand, change becomes irresistible. The deeper our look at our lives and what we are actually here for, the easier the change of our outer look as it becomes secondary and turns out to be a reflection of our sacred beliefs and our perspective in life.

Allah the Almighty created us out of love and gave us the honor of knowing, loving and worshiping Him alone. The whole cosmic universe in a constant movement towards Allah the Almighty. Starting from the smallest atom circulating around its nucleus ending with humans circumambulating around the Ka’ba in an unmatched symphony of love as the whole creation is yearning towards reuniting with their Lord.

Human beings are blessed with having the mind to think and the heart to love so in our constant yearning towards Allah, we are worshipping out of love and not out of fear of castigation or punishment. Allah the Almighty does not want mere bodies to prostrate in fear, but seeks our hearts to submit in love. Therefore, Allah the Almighty chooses the best course for us and rewards us abundantly out of His grace when we follow through His course. Hijab being one of the obligations on Muslim adult woman has been the subject of severe debate among the extremist thinkers both Muslims and non-Muslims. The rigorous understanding and the rigid mentality of Muslim extremists imagine women in and of themselves as the source of evil and temptation which should be contained and confined in its home to limit its poisonous nature from seducing men who can’t help but fall prey to every woman who walks down the street. This kind of mentality led to the belief that women should be fully covered from head to toe including her face and hands and should be donned in black drapes in a desperate attempt not to grab attention. Women should consequently be segregated from men in all fields of work as being in a mixed environment opens all doors of evil. Walking down the street alone without a male guardian is unquestionable as it is seen as an inviting gesture to lonely wolves out there.

This humiliating look at women as a potential sexual object which should be concealed from all eyes and confined in home detention is very similar to another bleak look at women by non- Muslim extremists who think that women should be liberated from all social norms and unleashed from the fear of becoming sexual object and thus her body becomes totally lawful to be exposed, manipulated, plastered and exploited. This extreme idea of liberating the woman’s body from the confinement of thick clothes led to the dangerous idea of thinking of women with little or no clothes. They failed to look at women as human beings who enjoy intellectual abilities and can reach out to its full potentials in different fields of life. They rather turned women to be part of the world of “matters”, a “soulless object” which can be plastered for product advertisement to guarantee the success of top- edge marketing plans, posing either nude or in revealing clothes for magazines to assure higher circulation, become an actress in movies which displays sensual hot sex- scenes to gain higher ratings and make block-busters. Not to mention the top professional fashion designers, who are mostly men, and who are eager to reveal the woman’s body by designing low cut tops, miniskirts and hot shorts.

This obsession with the woman’s sexuality and this mania of total concealment or extreme promiscuity represent a distorted understanding and degrading evaluation of the woman as a human being who is a lot more than only her assumed “sexuality”. The consistent effort and relentless persistence of combating the potential sexual hazard of every female led to the establishment of unhealthy environment where the two integral parts of the society are totally segregated in a fashion which is in total opposition to the natural composition of societies. By the same token, thinking of the woman’s body as an object which can be lawfully manipulated and legally exposed is no less humiliating to women. Such way of dealing with the woman’s body strips her off her basic right of becoming more than just a beautiful body or a cheap means of promoting lustful desires.

Islam took a balanced approach which assured the woman’s right as a full human being who enjoys a dignified social status, equal religious obligation and same contribution to the development of the world both on the intellectual and functional levels. At the same time Islam acknowledges the created sexuality of both men and women and did not call for suppressing such sexual drive but rather guided us to lawful ways of handling our human sexuality without feeling ashamed of our sexual zeal and at the same time protected humans from falling prey to sexual obsession which strips human off their dignified status of intellectual beings to the degraded status of sexually-driven animals.

Therefore, Muslim men are obliged not to think of women as potential sexual objects who are designed to give a momentarily sexual gratification and therefore are prohibited from looking at women seductively or stare at their body parts; an act which is both offensive and humiliating to woman as an equal partner in humanity. From this dignified understanding for women comes the prohibition of having sex outside wedlock because Islam does not look at the relationship between men and women as a one night stand which aims at sexual satisfaction but rather keen to establish a long term relationships based on love, respect and mutual goals for building a warm and healthy family. Men are also asked to respect their bodies and not to reveal their sexuality through wearing tight-fitting clothes or certain clothes- fashion which leads to the incitement of sexual desires.

By the same token women are asked not to reveal their sexuality and to prevent others from thinking of them in terms of sexual objectification. Therefore adult Muslim women are asked to cover their hair and body except for her face and hands. The reason for revealing the face and hands in public is to ensure the woman’s full ability to interact and to reach the maximum level of communication with people and production at work without feeling any hindrance. This way she is assured to be an active participant in society while keeping her dignity intact.

There are claims that one of the benefits of total exposure of women’s body and free sexuality is the guarantee of the safety of women from any sexual harassment as men are not teased to look behind the covered body, but these claims lack authenticity. Checking facts revealed by the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and Empowerment of Women states that Between 40 and 50 percent of women in European Union countries experience unwanted sexual advances, physical contact or other forms of sexual harassment at work. Across Asia, studies in Japan, Malaysia, the Philippines and South Korea show that 30 to 40 percent of women suffer workplace sexual harassment. In the United States, 83 percent of girls aged 12 to 16 experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools.

By the same token, places where women are thought of as a potential sexual danger and should be having limited or no access to public life prove to create a filthy environment of illicit sexual acts as a reaction to the abnormal notion of women’s potential sexual promiscuity.

These two extremist views of women represent a deviant understanding of the Islamic teachings and goes directly against the numerous Prophetic traditions which state that “Women are the twin halves of men” and this statement establishes the law of equity between men and women in terms of the appointed legal responsibilities and religious obligations and the legal rights they enjoy and the religious rewards they receive. Differences in some Juristic rulings and social responsibilities between men and women are directly related to their different natural characteristics such as motherhood for women and hard labor for men. The relationship between men and women are not based on severe competition where survival is for the fittest but it is rather built on a shared responsibility and complementarity of each other’s social roles.

When it comes to your problem of drinking, we believe that this sin comes right out of your despair of the status quo and your feeling of misery and helplessness as you are living in a dark circle of sin thinking you have no way out. The guilt feeling you are having is the reason behind feeling angry with yourself and unfortunately you translated this feeling to be angry with Allah. But if you think calmly of your situation, you would find that Allah is the Most Merciful and Most forgiving who reaches out for His sinful creation to bring them back to His abode of divine mercy.

The door of repentance is wide open for you and you simply get down your knees and start a private intimate conversation with your Lord who knows best the amount of guilt you feel and the degree of pain you have. We advise you to find your way back to Allah the Most Forgiving and start a new fresh life full of faith, love and piety.

May Allah shower you with forgiveness and bless you with His infinite mercy and wisdom and to guide you to His straight path. Amen

Related links
» I had to break up the engagement due to my parents' disapproval. Am I to blame?
» Is it permissible for a man who proposes to a woman to have a good look at her?
» Is reciting the Fatiha part of engagement?
» My fiancé lives abroad and asks me to send him some revealing pictures of me. Is this permissible?