I live a wild life and I am tired of my sins. How can I find my way back to God?
I am a 19 year old girl and was born and raised in the United States and we moved to reside in Egypt recently and since then I feel depressed and unstable because I left my friends and my life in the United States for the first time. Here I do whatever I feel like; I go out clubbing and take off my hijab without my parents’ knowledge. I smoke, take pills, drink alcohol without caring for any religious boundaries. I am also dating a guy and I find that I have zero control over myself while I am doing all these things. I have refrained from going out and smoking several months ago and I don’t want to do these things again but I don’t know how to maintain the straight path. I hate to go back to my previous actions but sometimes I feel I have a compelling desire to do it. I want to be a good girl and enjoy life. Please tell me how can I become a good Muslim girl and stay on the right track? Also should I tell people about my past life?
The feeling you are having is a solid proof of your sincerity with yourself and that you want to conduct a life of righteousness and hate to indulge in evil and corrupted acts. This feeling in itself is a noble feeling and it proves that the sins committed are human sins and not satanic motivated sins. Human sins occur due to a compelling desire to go after one’s lusts and whims and are followed by deep sadness, lamentation and hatred of the committed act. All these symptoms indicate that the committed sin comes from a weak self which needs to be tamed and strengthened. As for the satanic sin, it usually comes from a person who does not fear God and does not care about the legality of his actions. These kinds of sins come from an egoistic self which turns a blind eye on ethics and morals. In other words, the problem does not usually lie in the committed sin itself but in refraining from repenting afterwards. All the sons of Adam err and the best among those who err are those who repent and for this reason God has called Himself with attributes such as the Oft Forgiving and this attribute indicates abundance of forgiveness which only matches abundance in committing sins and abundance in sincere repentance as well.
The human being is not an infallible prophet or an angel. Humans are creatures in which the desire for lusts and pleasures is naturally instilled for the sake of the continuation of procreation and the development of the world. If this is the natural state of humans, seeking God’s help and imploring for His refuge is mandatory for us. There are also multiple ways which would help the one who seeks to tread the right path, the most effective of which is having a good company of friends and leaving the bad ones behind as bad companions facilitate corrupted and sinful acts. God says in this regard, “O you who believe! Fear God, and be with those who are truthful (9:119).
Another way is refraining from talking about the committed sins as telling people about sins is some sort of spreading them which may lead the heart to indulge in it without any conscious awareness. For this reason Prophet Muhammad said “all my Ummah is forgiven except the braggers, and among bragging is a man who commits a sin at night then he wakes up in the morning and say, I have done so and so last night, he spends the night covered with God’s concealment of his sin and wakes up shredding God’s concealment of his sin”.
A third way is occupying oneself with useful hobbies and beneficial skills which help him in developing himself and whenever sinful ideas or whims crosses one’s mind, he tries his best to push it aside and not to indulge in it. The invocation of God and sending peace and blessing on Prophet Muhammad is an effective way of diverting your attention from bad thoughts, calming your self and redirecting your thoughts.
A fourth way is to dedicate a great deal of your time to supplication and prayers to implore God to purify your soul and to guide it to His straight path. We also pray for you to be always guided to the right path and to enjoy a righteous life amen.