What is the ruling on disclosing the faults of a prospective spouse? A man was consulted by his neighbor regarding a marriage candidate for his daughter. Since he has knowledge of certain questionable facts about this young man, is it permissible for him to inform his neighbor about these matters, or should he conceal them?

The man mentioned in the question must inform his neighbor of the incontrovertible facts he knows about the young man in question. However, he must do so in general terms without elaborating such as by saying that the young man is not suitable.

 Deliberation and circumspection when choosing a prospective spouse

The marriage contract is a strong and solemn covenant. In Islamic law, it is guided by a set of rulings and established principles that are meant to ensure its continuity and stability. Allah Almighty says, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought” (Quran, 30:21).

The foundation of a successful marriage, particularly in its early stages, depends on the careful and thoughtful consideration of both parties in choosing a suitable life partner, one that meets sound religious principles, balanced rational criteria, and guided by genuine feelings.  Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, lineage, beauty, and piety. Choose the pious one and you will be satisfied” (Bukhari and Muslim). Abu Huraira also narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to [someone under the care] of one of you, marry her to him” (recorded by Ibn Majah and al-Tirmidhi; the wording is attributed to Ibn Majah).

Disclosing the faults of a prospective spouse

It is usually the case when a couple first get to know one another, they show only upright behavior and the best character to gain the other’s affections and acceptance, as well as to conceal certain faults and shortcomings. In such situations, it is never clear that what is outwardly truly reflects the inner reality. Sometimes, a charming exterior can be deceiving. The true nature of a person can only be known through long-term interaction, close companionship, or inquiring about them from someone who knows them well like a close relative, a friend, or a close acquaintance. Therefore, when a man proposes marriage to a woman, and her guardian wishes to exercise caution by inquiring about him before accepting or rejecting his proposal, the person consulted must give sincere advice that is in the best interest of the person who trusted him with his confidences, as mentioned in Al-Taysir bi Sharh Al-Jami’ Al-Saghir (2:456).

Giving sincere advice to someone who seeks counsel about a personal matter is one of the highest forms of guidance and support as Ibn Rajab, the Hanbali scholar, explains in Jami’ al-‘Uloom wal-Hikam (1:234). This is based on the general principle conveyed in the narration of Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) who said, “The Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him and his household) said, ‘The one who is consulted is entrusted’” (recorded by Abu Dawud, al-Tirmidhi, and Ibn Majah). The Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) also said, “When one of you is asked for sincere advice, they should give it” (al-Bukhari recorded it as a hadith mu’allaq, i.e., in which one or more of its narrators are omitted from the beginning of its chain).

The actions of the Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions after him, evince the permissibility of informing someone seeking advice about a prospective spouse’s religious and socially recognized flaws. However, this is only considered permissible when the intention is to offer sincere advice and to warn the person seeking counsel, not to harm or defame the person in question. In such a case, it is not considered backbiting which is prohibited in Islamic law, because the reason for its prohibition — insulting, belittling, or speaking ill of someone — is absent. Rather, mentioning a person’s faults in this context serves the legitimate purpose of alerting the person seeking advice to the faults found in the prospective spouse. As Imam al-Ghazali explains in Ihya’ ‘Ulum al-Din (3:152–153), this falls under the valid exceptions where mentioning another’s faults is deemed permissible. Amr Ibn Maymun (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that his father told him of a brother of Bilal who claimed to be of Arab descent, who proposed to a woman from the Arabs.  Her family responded that they would agree to the union if Bilal is present. When Bilal came, he said, “I am Bilal Ibn Rabah and this is my brother. He is a bad person, with poor character and faith. If you wish to marry [her] to him, go ahead. But if you prefer, then leave him.” They said, “Whoever his brother is, we will marry her to him.” This report was recorded by al-Baihaqi in Al-Sunan Al-Kubra and al-Hakem in Al-Mustadrak).

The ruling

Based on the above, the man consulted by his neighbor who knows for certain about the negative qualities of the young man in question must share what he knows, using general terms and avoiding explicit details. However, if the neighbor does not understand or needs more clarity, he may state the faults he knows without exaggeration. In that case, there is no blame or wrongdoing in being straightforward.

And Allah Almighty knows best.